Tween Swap
by NajikaKitsawa
Summary: A spin off of the series 'Wife Swap' but rather than parents, the families trade kids- in this case Sakura and Ino. Dumb summary but i think the story came out pretty funny! Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Tween Swap**

(A spin off of the reality TV show: Wife Swap, but rather than spouses, the families swap children)

Family One: (L.A. California)

Jiraiya (Dad)

Tsunade (Mom)

Sakura* (13)

Naruto (7 years old)

Family Two: (El Paso, Texas)

Kakashi (Dad)

Shizune (Mom)

Neji (15)

Ino* (13)

Ten- Ten (13) (Ino's twin)

Lee (11)

Shino (9)

Hinata (7)

Little Sai (4) (evil)

Baby Kiba (2)

Akamaru (dog)

Choji (Ino's cat)

**A day in the Sannin family household (Sakura's interview):**

A young girl with bright green eyes and short pink hair is sitting in her porch swing, talking to the camera. "Hello, my name is Sakura H. Sannin; I am thirteen-"

Background:

_Loud crashing sound._

_"Damn it Naruto! Get back here!" We see a blond woman, seemingly in her thirties, running after her youngest child. "Give me back my damn make-up box!"_

"Hee, hee" Sakura laughs nervously, "Well, um, that was my mom, Tsunade, and kid brother, Naruto. Mom tends to get a little cranky when Naruto takes her things, especially her make-up… Anyway," Sakura sighs, "like I was saying… Hello, my name is Sakura H. Sannin and I'm thirteen years old-

"Nee-chaaaaaan, save meeeee!" a boy of seven with bright blond hair runs out of the house and jumps into his sister's arms, "Mom's gonna kill me!" He spots the camera crew, and squints, "Who are _you_?"

"Naruto, get off…"

The kids' fuming mother comes stomping through the door, "NARUTO!" She stops and stares at the camera crew, who stare back- suddenly terrified of the woman.

"Who the hell are you?! And what the hell are you doing tapping my daughter?!"

"Mom, chill…" Sakura mutters, embarrassed, "Remember… the show… I'm leaving today…"

"Ooh…" Suddenly she spots the small boy, "You! You get in here right now! And give my damn bag!" Tsunade rips her make-up bag from Naruto's hands, pulls the kid by his ear, and drags him back inside.

"Uh… Shouldn't we be worried?" the camera man asks, staring after the other two.

"No, no, don't worry- Mom's not gonna do anything to him, except take away his ramen… but then he'll start crying and as soon as mom leaves the room, dad will sneak into the kitchen and give back it back to him. Then Naruto will run away, giggling, noodles in hand, and sneak into his tree house to eat them." She sighed, "It happens two or three times a week."

_"No you don't, Jiraiya!"_

_"But Tsunade, it's cruel to take away his ramen"._

_"I swear if you give him those damn noodles, I am going to BURN your 'Paradise' books!"_

_"Aaaaahh!! That's my new manuscript! Where'd you get that?! NO! Not the fireplace!"_

"Excuse me," Sakura apologizes to her guests, stands, and enters the house, slamming the screen door behind herself.

_"Everybody FREEZE!" the girl commands."Naruto! You, go to your room, and stay there, and no ramen until tomorrow!"_

Through the door screen, the TV crew sees the little boy stomping up the stairs, muttering nasty things about his sister.

_"Mom, you put down dad's manuscript this instant, and get going cause you're gonna be late for work. Dad, learn to take better care of your things- not only so mom doesn't burn them, but so Naruto doesn't read that garbage anymore. I swear if I see him with another one of your books, _I_ personally am going to burn them!_

_"He's a growing boy," the man whined. "He needs to learn about the world-"_

_PANG! _

_"Ouch! Tsunade! Why the hell did you hit me with that pan?!"_

_"You let him read that crap AGAIN?!"_

_"He was curious," Jiraiya said._

_"Why you…" Tsunade growled._

_"Mom, give me the frying pan and go- to- work."_

_There's _a shuffling sound inside and the crew suddenly jump back as Mrs. Sannin slams the door open. Without a second look at the men, she gets in her car and drives off at full speed.

Once back in the porch, Sakura's interview continues:

Question 1: Describe your family members in three words:

Mom: Loud-mouthed.

Dad: Perverted.

Brother: Annoying.

Question 2: Any facts about them?

Mom once tried to use Naruto as collateral for her gambling debts…

Dad… (Shudders) We're no longer allowed at the family Christmas parties…

Naruto jumped out of the window when he was five, thinking he could fly… after that, he drank out of the toilet for a week…

Question 3: Your role in the family?

Unofficial miniature parent…

Question 4: Any words for your replacement?

May God be with you.

**A day in the Hatake family household (Ino's interview):**

The camera's going through a cluttered hallway. A door opens at the end of the hall and the crew focuses in it. A tall teenage boy, with long black hair and light gray eyes stomps gloomily out of the room. The camera crew walks after him until he reaches the edge of the stairs and turns around, glaring. "Why the hell are you cretins following me around?" Neji asks.

"Neji-kun, stop scaring the camera crew," a thirteen year old girl with pale blond hair and baby blue eyes complains to her older brother. She's chewing a piece of gum, and blows a bubble. Ino walks right in front of Neji and pops it, giggling.

"Damn it Ino, I told you not to do that near me- it's disgusting!"

"Nah- nah- nah. Cry baby."

Neji growls and grabs the girl in a head lock.

Ino starts to scream, "MOM!!! DAD!!! Neji's gonna kill me!!!"

Downstairs, a bored looking man with very pale hair and a mask covering two thirds of his face appears, holding a bright orange book. "Neji, stop harassing your sister… If you two accidentally fall down the stairs, I'm the one your mom's gonna force to clean up the mess… And what are you guys looking at me like that for?"

The kids stopped fighting, staring at Kakashi. Neji asks, "Dad… what's up with the mask?"

"Lee wanted to play cowboys yesterday."

Ino: "Then why are you still wearing it?"

"Because it looked cool," he answers with a shrug and walks away.

Camera Guy: "Uh… yeah, can we start the interview now?"

Neji glares malevolently, muttering something about burning and Ino, maybe Lee.

Kakashi leaves, reading from the bright orange book, "Ya'll up there, if you break, YOU clean it- camera man included."

Ino rolls her eyes, blowing another gum bubble, it pops, and she goes to her room. The interview begins:

Question 1- Describe each of your family members in **one** word:

Mom: Happy… not in the good way…

Dad… weird

Neji, emo f*g… _Neji and Gaara sitting in a tree…_

Ten-Ten… skip

Lee: alien

Shino, geek

Hinata: mute much?

Sai and baby Kiba… evil

Akamaru, the dog… dirty

Choji-kun is the cutest, tubbiest most adorable little kitty-cat in the world!

Question two: Any facts about them?

Mom and Dad should learn the magical existence of a little thing called CONDOM!!!

_Neji_ _and Gaara sitting a tree_… We should get them condoms too…

Ten Ten's too violent…

I think Lee was dropped off by the Mother Ship… when are they coming back for him?

Shino **wants** head lice.

Hinata… still don't know if she can speak…

Sai… evil just doesn't cut it… and Kiba is eviler only because he's cuter… Both of them are mom's little dumplings… EVIL!!!!

Akamaru sucks, I mean, like, ewww, toilet water.

And little Choji is my perfect little baby. Such a cute wittle kitty!

Question 3: Your role in the family?

Survivor.

Question 4: Any words for your replacement:

May God have mercy on your soul. (Makes the cross sign)


	2. Chapter 2

**Swap Day #1**

Naruto is bouncing up and down as he stares out the window, waiting for his new brother/sister to arrive. "Please be a dude! Please be a dude! Please be a dude!" Tsunade looks up, "Naruto, shut the hell up. The last thing we need is another one of you around here."

"Tsunade, don't be such a bitch to the kid. And I agree with him!" Suddenly his wife glares at him, pulling part of his newest manuscript from her shirt, and Jiraiya sinks into his chair, "I- I- I mean… honey… it'd be nice to have a big lad… Naruto, stop bugging your mom!"

"Good Jiraiya."

"Dad, you're a pussy." He turns back to the window and squeals, "He's here!!! No!!!"

"What?" his parents ask.

"It's a girl!"

***

Shizune ran around her home, cleaning and re-cleaning every nook and cranny she could find. "Kids, hurry up! Neji, why aren't you wearincg the NICE suit I got out for you?"

"Because it's old and creepy…"

"It was your dad's old prom suit."

"Ex- actly!"

Mrs. Hatake rolled her eyes and stood next to the stairs, "Children! LINE UP!!!!"

Like a herd of wild animals, her kids pushed each other down the stairs and stood in a neat line in front of their mother. Shizune scanned the line and screamed, "Kakashi! Where are my dumplings?"

The man entered the room, still wearing the mask from two days before. A small two- year-old with spiky brown hair, Kiba, was sitting on his shoulders, his stubby little legs wrapped around Kakashi's neck, nearly choking the man, while a pasty faced four-year-old with jet-black hair, named Sai, latched onto his leg.

"There are my precious little dumplings!" their mother chirped happily picking up her youngest children. "Now my little angels, stand beside your brothers and sisters while we wait for your new sibling!"

"Mama," baby Kiba asked, "Where's Ino-nee-chan?"

"She's not going to be here for a while, honey. But you're getting a new big sibling while she's away."

_Honk, honk._

"They're here…" Ten-Ten and Lee said in a creepy sing-song voice.

"Yay!" Shizune clapped. "Neji, go open the door. Kakashi! Don't slouch!"

Neji did as his mother told him and opened the door.

"Hi," Sakura muttered, scared to death by the goth giant staring down at her.

"Oh, you must be our new daughter!" Shizune rushed to the girl's side and hugged her. "It is so good to meet you! Come in! Neji, Kakashi, bring her stuff in! Okay, what's your name honey? Speak up, don't be shy."

"Sakura Sannin."

"Well Sakura chan- you don't mind if I call you 'chan' do you?"

"Not really."

"Okay then! Well, time for introductions! First off, I'm Shizune- or Shizu, or Zune, or however you want to call me. Let's start with my dumplings: this is my baby Kiba, he's two, and this is Sai, he's four! Aren't they the cutest? Yes they are! Ah! My little perfect angels!"

"Hi," Sakura cooed to the toddlers. Sai stared at her, "Hag-nee-chan!" "Uh…" Sakura's eye twitched. "I'm Sa-Ku-Ra."

"Hag!" the boy cried gleefully. Then, the baby started to bounce, repeating his older brother's words: "Hag! Hag! Hag!"

"Welcome to hell, new Ino." Neji muttered.

"Aren't they simply the most adorable dumplings you've ever seen, Sakura-chan?" Shizune asked gleefully.

"Yes… um... adorable."

"Okay! Well, let's continue! This is Hinata, she's seven, and very shy," on cue the little girl looked down- she looked a lot like the goth kid, Sakura noticed. "She's the only one in the family Neji," Shizune pointed to the goth, "seems to like. Then we have Shino, and then Lee, and Ten-Ten, and Neji, like I already said-"

Suddenly the front door slammed open and a tall red headed boy, dressed entirely in black walked in, straight for the kitchen.

"And he is…?"

"Oh that's Gaara, our neighbor. He's Neji's friend… and seems to spend more time in our kitchen than in his own house. Gaara, come introduce yourself to Neji's new sister." The boy came into the room, holding a pudding cup, the spoon dangling from his mouth. He belched and looked at Sakura, "Hi," while Neji giggled behind him. Sakura stared at him, "Did you get mugged?"

"Why?"

"Your eyes…"

"Uh… it's eye liner, duh." He took another spoonful of pudding. "I'm gonna watch TV." He just walked away. Neji followed.

"Oh, and this is my husband Kakashi," Shizune added, pointing at the tall man reading a book by the corner of the room. "Kakashi, come say hi."

"Hi… hey kid… What'd you say your name was?"

"Sakura Sannin."

The man started hyperventilating, "Sa- Sa- Sannin?! Oh my God, oh my God!" he squealed, "As in the daughter of the great Jiraiya Sannin?!"

"Yes… How do know my dad?"

Kakashi flashed a bright orange book into Sakura's face. "I am your dad's biggest fan! Do you think you could get me his autograph?"

_**Video diary**_**: **_Damn, that crap follows me around!_

"Suuure, Mr. Hatake…"

***

Ino stared at her new family: a tall weird looking man probably in his late forties (maybe early fifties) with long, spiky bleached hair; an intimidating, but at the same time beautiful, woman, apparently in her thirties (_Why did she marry such an old coop?_ Ino spoke to the camera in her video diary) with long, pale blond hair tied back in a loose pony tail; and finally a small, loony looking kid with bright blue eyes, who looked to be around the same age as her kid brother, Shino.

"Hi!" the man said eagerly. "I'm Jiraiya- your new dad!"

"Hi, I'm Ino…Ino Hatake." She shook his hand, "Nice to meet you." The boy was staring at her intently and Ino, though a bit disturbed, smiled, guessing that he was infatuated with her- though that was not really the case. "Hi there, little guy. What's your name?"

The boy smiled impishly and suddenly jumped, "I'm BATMAN!" He started to sing the 'Batman' theme song while he danced. His mother smacked him and he seemed to shrink. "Sorry… I'm not Batman… I'm actually… HITLER!!!" Now both parents smacked him, "Naruto! Don't be stupid!" Jiraiya scolded. The boy rubbed the back of his head, muttering angrily, "Meanies… Whatever I'm Naruto."

Ino turned to the woman, she was both beautiful and intimidating at the same time and Ino instantly knew that this was the kind of woman she wanted to be like when she grew up.

"Yeah, hi, I'm Tsunade," she answered, walking past them. "I'm gonna be in the casino for the night. Jiraiya, make sure there's food for me when I'm back."

"Yes honey…"

Tsunade left and Ino ogled behind her, "Tsunade-sama is my idol."

**Later that night…**

"Dinner's done!" Jiraiya shouted. Ino walked into the kitchen and sat on the counter top, chewing her gum, "What's for dinner Jiraiya?" "Ramen."

"RAMEN!!!" Naruto appeared in the doorway, wearing nothing but a bright orange t-shirt and a pair of white, Power-Ranger undees. He ran into the kitchen and started to run around the room, chanting, "Ramen, ramen, ramen!!!"

"I guess ramen's a rare treat?" Ino asked.

"No, he eats it every other night. He's just obsessed… Like a little ramen-junkie."

Suddenly Ino shrieked and fell off the couter top as Naruto pulled off his shirt and underpants and kept running around. He threw his underwear at her face and the girl started running around, flailing her arms, screaming: "Get 'em off! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!"

Jiraiya stopped her and, with the ramen tongs, picked the tidy-whities from her face. "Naruto, you know the rule: Underwear ON until AFTER dinner.

"Fine," the boy muttered putting his undies on. He sat on the table, the perfect picture of innocence (half naked innocence, but innocence non-the less).

"Uh… Naruto," Ino said, "could you put some clothes on?"

"I AM wearing clothes. HELLO, underwear. Hey, something's stuck to the back of my undies." The boy stood up and turned around.

"My gum!!!" Ino shrieked. Naruto stared, pulled the gum out and put it in his mouth, "Did you want it Ino?" She shuddered and walked away, "Keep it."

***

At the Hatake home, in a table made for six people, sat eleven (Gaara had stayed for dinner- like always), plus a fat brown cat and big white dog.

Her family dinners were usually pretty weird, but here, Sakura noticed, dinner was the equivalent to war: everyone fighting over what they wanted, or pushing each other. Survival of the fittest…

_Splotch! _ A ball of mashed peas crashed into Sakura's face, making her fall back. Everyone quieted down, and through her stunned, pea covered eyes, Sakura could see everyone staring down at her. "She's alive!" Gaara, who was sitting next to her, called out and everyone resumed their eating. Ten-Ten helped Sakura up before Akamaru could get to her, "It was Ino's turn to get a Sai food missile tonight- watch out cause Kiba's gonna follow his lead pretty soon. On cue: _Splotch!_ The two-year-old's crushed carrots hit Sakura, and Ten-Ten too.

_**Video diary: **__These are going to be some looong two weeks._

Every one at the small Texas home sat, bunched up together in front of the TV, watching mindless cartoons, while Kakashi read more from his 'books', and at the most random intermedials asked Sakura about her father. A fat brown cat jumped on the sofa, running across the kid's laps until it reached the red head boy. It scratched Gaara and ran away.

After a while Shizune went upstairs, taking her 'dumplings' with her.

"I'm bored…" Gaara muttered. Suddenly he pulled out a lighter from his back pocket, "Let's burn the cat!"

Kakashi looked up from his book, "You burn it, you clean it," he told the boy before resuming his reading.

"NO!!!" Lee cried, grabbing the fat tabby cat. "Not Choji!"

Neji turned to his brother and smiled wickedly, "Fine, we'll burn you instead."

Lee stares, "DAD!!!"

"Neji," Kakashi muttered without even looking up from his book, "don't kill your brother… It's his turn to do the dishes this week."

"Whatever… Hey dad? Can Gaara spend the night here?"

"Sure, whatever."

All the children turned pale and Shino spoke, "We're all bunking together tonight." Ten-Ten turned to Lee, "Don't forget the cat."


	3. Chapter 3

**A few days later…**

Naruto sat in the middle of his living room, wiggling around as he played with his Wii while Ino sat reading a magazine in the sofa. The doorbell rang.

"It's OPEN!" Tsunade yelled from the kitchen table, not even getting up as she dealt with some office papers- she worked in the Human Resources Department of H.O. Kage Enterprises (a sub- division of the internationally renounced Kage Corporation).

Ino looked up at the door, not even putting the magazine down (she looked so much like her father at this moment).

Two figures entered: a small raven haired boy in navy blue about Naruto's age, and an older (hotter- according to Ino) version of him.

"Hi Tsunade," both boys said as they walked past the kitchen doorway. "Hello Uchiha," she answered back without looking up at the pair. The older boy, he looked around sixteen, suddenly grabbed Naruto and slung him over his shoulder and left with him as the kid cried, "MY WII!!!!"

The door closed behind them as Ino stared. Suddenly it burst open again and the smaller boy in blue ran inside, "We need pants!"

Tsunade stood, opened a kitchen drawer, pulled out a pair of Naruto's shorts, and threw them in the kid's direction. The boy took them and left, "Bye Tsunade."

"Bye Sasuke."

"Uh…" Ino asked, "What the hell just happened?"

"Naruto had a play-date."

"With who, the mob? That looked like a freaking kidnapping!"

"Mob," Tsunade laughed. "Please, the Uchihas are worse than any old mob. Anyway," she pulled out her wallet, "here's twenty bucks; go out and watch a movie cause I've got my poker game until four."

"And how am I supposed to get to theater?"

"Geez, Sakura was so much easier to deal with… Obviously, you're not gonna walk the ten miles, so here, take the keys to Jiraiya's Volvo."

"I'm only thirteen…"

"Do you reach the pedals?"

"Yes…"

"Have fun!" Tsunade smiled as she pushed Ino out the door.

***

Sakura sat in her pink bathing suit on a beach chair in the backyard, soaking up all the sun she could and amazed at how strange it felt not having to make sure the household didn't fall apart. Neji and Gaara were lounging in the shadows of the back porch while the rest of the Hatake children ran around with water guns, played with the slip and slide, or in Hinata's and Shino's cases, played quietly in the small pool.

A spray of cold water blasted Sakura's face and she jumped up with a scream, furious as Sai ran away giggling. "Sai!" the girl shrieked as she ran after him, "I'm going to kill you!"

"ATTACK!" the boy squealed gleefully as he jumped on Akamaru's back; Ten-Ten and Lee turned around, smiling evilly, and Sakura turned around as they followed her, Ten-Ten with a bucket full of water balloons and Lee with a Super Soaker. Sakura grabbed the garden hose and turned to the other kids. "Freeze suckers!" She sprayed them and they attacked back. Soon the yard was a mess of laughing wet children and mud.

"D'oh!" Lee and Ten-Ten cried as Sai's mud projectiles hit them. Another one flew at Sakura, and Sai, atop his large white dog, ran away, laughing like the villains from a Disney movie: "Mwahahaha!"

"You little TRAITOR!" Everyone turned the boy, their newest target. In the end though, the dripping toddler and muddy dog ran inside, running over the Goths, and escaped.

Shino and Hinata shook their heads and resumed their quiet play.

"That was fun!" Lee said.

Ten-Ten agreed and turned to Sakura, laughing, "Wow, you're scarier than I! And way better at water fights- she would've just screamed at us and stormed inside."

"I'm used to this kind of thing. My dad and brother do this sort of thing all the time, sometimes inside, and it's kind of the only time I let loose and go crazy with them rather than trying to control them." She sighed, lying down on the grass, "I sort of miss them…"

"How were your folks?" the bushy browed boy asked.

"In one word: Insane… but I still love them."

***

Ino's feet hurt like hell after walking all the way to the movies (arriving 15 minutes after it started). Then, when going back to the Sannin home, she managed to catch a bus… filled with Disney crazed tourists, unfortunately the blond didn't realize this until _after_ the bus left the stop.

"Uh- bus driver, stop the bus!"

"As soon as the door closes, it's closed for good."

"Let's all have a sing-along!" one of the tourists cried.

Ino's eye twitched and the bus driver smiled, "Welcome to Disney-hell, ma'am."

_It's a small world after all… _For the next twenty five minutes, Ino endured the most horrible tortures known to mankind: It's a small after all, The Coconut Song, When You Wish Upon a Star, and Under the Sea, amongst others (notice that half of them where song in Spanish.)

By the time she got to the house, Ino felt that if she ever heard another Disney song in her life, she'd blow her brains out. Tsunade and Jiraiya's cars were gone, and Naruto was still in his play-date, which meant she had the whole quiet house to herself.

Ino dragged her sorry ass inside but just as she was about to sit the front door burst open and two seven year olds ran inside screaming murder. Naruto and Sasuke knocked her down and ran upstairs. She heard the bathroom door slam shut.

Sasuke's brother stormed in angrily.

"Um, hi," Ino said.

The boy looked at her, sighed, and shook her hand, "Hi, you're Ino right? Naruto told me about you. I'm Itachi Uchiha, and you already saw Sasuke."

The blond blushed, staring up at the Uchiha.

_**Video diary**_**: **_He is soooo HOT!_

"Um… why's the munchkins run in like if someone was trying to kill them, Itachi-_kun_?"

He looked down at her, somewhat disturbed by the bubbly way she said his name-bubbly girls, like this one obviously was, gave him the creeps. "Because they threw up in my new car after I warned them not to scarf down all those chilly dogs at the fair… God, I'll have to take to the shop first thing tomorrow morning…"

"I get it. My brothers are completely insane too, ugh! But any way," she said, grabbing onto his arm and looking up with what she thought was a seductive look, "hehe, wanna watch a movie with me? I don't know… maybe we could go to the mall or something?" She puckered up.

Itachi gave an inward twitch and pulled his arm away from her with a nervous smile, "See, the thing is… I'm… uh… gay! That's it: I'm gay. Sorry, Ino but I'm gay so um, I'm not interested, you know, cause I'm like soooo gay!"

A guy with blue hair entered the house, "Dude, what the hell is taking so long? I'm dying in your damn car!"

"Kisame-kun!" Itachi cried latching onto his friend's arm. "See Ino, I'm gay and this is my boyfriend. He's gay too! And we're going out cause we're both GAY!"

"What the- uff!" Itachi elbowed Kisame and glared at him. The blue haired guy went, "ooooh," and turned to Ino, "Yep, I'm his _gay_ boyfriend. Hehe"

"Crap!" she jumped back and stormed away into the kitchen. "Why does this always happen to me?! First it was Shikamaru, then Kabuto dumps me for that snake pedo down the street, and now this one! What the hell am I, a freaking gay magnet?!"

Itachi sighed in relief, Kisame slapped the back of Uchiha's head, and they fled.

***

Sakura sat in the back porch, looking up at the moon. In her hands was a small piece of paper: a picture of her parents and Naruto.

_**Video diary**__: I miss you guys so much… I miss dad's obscene stupidity; I miss mom's loud mouthed, not exactly maternal, way of expressing her love for us; and I miss Naruto's annoying antics… We might be dysfunctional, but we're a family, and until now I never noticed how much I needed that insanity. I was the drama queen and that was my kingdom- hurray, more drama for the queen!_

Hinata walked out the back door and sat next to Sakura.

"Oh, hi Hina, wassup?"

The girl said nothing- in the past few days Sakura had noticed that the seven year old never EVER spoke. Hinata leaned towards Sakura, curious of the picture.

"You wanna see it?" Sakura showed the seven year old the picture. "These are my parents and my brother." Hinata snatched the picture from Sakura's hands and stared at it; she pointed at the boy. "Oh, that's Naruto. He's about your age."

Hinata looked from Sakura to the photo and back. "He's HOT!" Suddenly everything went silent. Something crashed inside the house and Sakura's eyes widened as she stared at the child. Everyone appeared at the back door. Kakashi was stammering, Neji and Gaara's eyes were as big as dinner plates, Ten-Ten fainted, Shino stared, Shizune's and Lee's mouths were hanging open, baby Kiba was blowing spit bubbles and Sai cried: "SHE SPEAKS!"


	4. Chapter 4

Ino rubbed her eyes as she walked down the stairs. Tsunade had already left for work and Jiraiya's snoring could be heard down on the first floor. After a small breakfast, Ino went to the family room where Sasuke and Naruto where sitting I front of the TV while the Sannin boy used his Wii. Ino sat to watch; they were playing _Harvest Moon: Tree of Tranquility- _a funny little farming game. Naruto's character picked up a chicken and hugged her. The chicken chirped and a cute little musical note appeared with the message: _Good, Sasuke is happy today._

The Uchiha boy looked at his friend, "Naruto, why'd you name your chicken after me?"

Naruto shrugged, "Because I wanted you to lay and egg. See, that baby chick down there's your baby!"

"Hmmm, I want one for real."

"Okay! Come on; let's go get you a baby!"

"YAY!"

They ran off into the kitchen.

***

Sai's eyes watered and stated to beat the ground, "I wanna go to Schitterbahn!!!!

Kakashi stared at the kid, "We are not driving seven freaking hours just so you can get in a water slide that goes up!"

Shizune pouted and crossed her arms, "But my Sai-dumpling wants to go! Everybody: TO THE CAR!!!!!" Kakashi seemed to shrink under his wife's gaze.

"Then I'm bringing Gaara," Neji said, going to get his best friend. Shino turned to his dad and muttered: "But we barely fit in the car as it is."

Kakashi: "Fine, but Shino's right, which means that someone's going in the trunk."

Everyone: "LEE!!!"

Lee's eyes widened, "I will not! Make Sai go in the trunk this time!"

All the kids turned to the impish four year old and back to their parents: "Agreed!" they cried.

Shizune suddenly looked horrified, "Not my Sai-dumpling! Lee, you go in the trunk! Sai- dumpling: where do you want to sit?"

Sai turned his wicked little face to Sakura and smiled, "On Sakura-nee-chan!"

They packed and readied to go on their Schitterbahn, three day adventure.

_**Kakashi's Video Diary: **__Shoot me._

***

Naruto and Sasuke pranced around the house holding an egg with a smiley face drawn on its shell. That was their baby, and they'd named it Bob.

"Narutoooo" Sasuke whinned, "Bob-kun is sleepy. He needs a bed!"

"How the hell can it that be sleepy- it's just a stupid egg." Ino said from the couch.

The boys gasped in horror, and cradled the egg. "Don't ever say that again about Bob Uzumaki Uchiha Sannin!" Naruto pouted, taking Sasuke's hand and dragging him to the kitchen. "DAD! Help!"

The man ran inside, "WHAT?! WHAT?! WHO DIED?! WHERE'S THE FIRE?! NOT MY MANUSCRIPTS!!!"

"Chill, old man," Naruto rolled his eyes. "We need you to build something."

"What?"

"A bed for Bob."

"Who's Bob?"

Sasuke pushed the egg in the man's face.

"Okaaay… kids… that's an egg. Mmm… egg- I'm hungry."

Again the boys gasped in horror, holding the Bob back. "You moooonster! Stay away from our Bob!" they ran off and Jiraiya chased after them. "I'm hungry! Give me that eeeeegg!"

Sasuke tripped and Bob flew from his hands.

"Noooooo!" Naruto cried as the egg soared through the air. Buump. It landed right in the middle of Tsunade's cleavage.

"Safe!" Ino called imitating an umpire.

Tsunade looked at the egg, who seemed to be looking back with a smile, then she looked back up. "I don't even want to know…" She took the egg and offered it to her son, who stuck out his tongue and pushed her hand away. "Ewww, I don't wanted it now. It's got boob germs." He took Sasuke's hand and led him into the kitchen, "Let's get a new Bob."

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do with this thing?" Tsunade asked.

Jiraiya took it, "Lunch!"

***

The car felt like a sardine can. Sai's bony little butt dug into Sakura's legs as the toddler bounced up and down on her lap. "Pee now or forever hold thy bladder," Kakashi warned as he turned on the car.

"STOP!" Gaara jumped out of the car and ran inside. They waited for a while before the red head walked down the street from his own house.

"Uh… Gaara… weren't you in our house?" Ten-Ten asked.

"Yeah… I went in…"

"Then where the hell did you just come from?!"

"My house."

"I'm confused." Sakura said.

"Duh," Gaara answered, "I went in, then out the back door, across the yard, over the fence, across the neighbor's yard, then ran for my life from Orochimaru-"

"Did he give you my candy?" Lee interrupted.

"Uh, yeah. Here you go."

"Lollipop!" Lee took the candy. "That only leaves thirty three thousand, nine hundred, eighty five lollipops left."

"Why does the pedophile owe you so much candy?" Kakashi asked.

"It's secret." Lee whispered, breathing darkly like Darth Vader. "Chhhh-shhhh."

"Give me _Darth Vader_ helmet!" Neji said.

"But it's so cool! Just like the one Gai le Guy wears!"

"There's way too much crap in the car already!" Neji yelled, throwing the helmet out the car window into the front lawn. "Shouldn't you take that inside?" Sakura asked him. "Nah, it'll be there when we come back." "Are you sure?" Neji thought for a moment and shrugged, "The worst that could happen's that Orochimaru takes it. I'll get it back clean. Say Gaara, what'd you do at your house?"

The red head smiled impishly as he caressed a piece of paper. He showed them the picture in his hand, giggling: a red sandbox.

"Why'd you bring that?" Neji asked, annoyed.

"Cause I'm going to miss it."

"What's with the sandbox?" Sakura asked.

Gaara giggled again, "It's where I was conceived."

***

The two seven year old boys cooed as they cradled the egg. "Bob the II is the cutest baby ever!"

Ino suddenly laughed, an evil idea forming in her mind. "Say, kids… Bob is your baby right?"

"Yeah," they answered.

"But who's going to keep him when Sasuke goes home?"

"Me," they answered. "No, me! Me! Me! Me!"

"I know a way _both_ of you can keep him."

They looked up at her. "How?"

"Get married."

"Hmmm… Okay!" Naruto cried happily.

"Yay, we're married!" Sasuke cheered.

"Nope…" Ino burst their bubble. "You can only get married with each other if you're gay. If you say you're gay, then you'll get married."

"We're gay!"

Ino smiled, holding back the urge to burst out laughing. "Congrats!"

Jiraiya walked into the room. "Hey, dad! Me and Sasuke are gay!" Jiraiya walked out.

Itachi opened the front door and walked in. "Itachi! Me and Naruto are gay!" The sixteen year old turned around and left the house. After a moment he came back, and his brother repeated his announcement. Itachi answered: "Just don't tell mom and dad. Come on, we're going home." He took Sasuke's hand but the boy resisted calling out: "But we're married! I can't leave Bob or Naruto!"

Itachi raised an eyebrow, swipping the egg from Naruto's hands. He flopped the egg onto the floor and it smashed, the yoke seeping out like blood. "Abort."

"NOOOO!!!!" Sasuke and Naruto cried, falling to their knees next to the corpse of a shatterd Bob Uzumaki Uchiha Sannin the Second. "You monster! You killed our baby!"

Itachi shrugged and flung Sasuke over his shoulder, "Come on rainbow pants."

The boy kicked and punched, and cried: "Monster! MURDERER! My BABY! BOOOOOOOOB! I'm telling mom on you!"

"Tell her, duck head. I'll tell her you got married without her permission."

***

"I have to pee," Gaara said.

"Hold it," Kakashi said.

"I have to pee."

"Hold it."

"I have to pee."

"Hold it!"

Suddenly the car went silent as a song came up on the radio. Everyone turned pale.

_Strong Strong Strong_

_I'm the youth of the nation!_

_Young Young Young!_

_I'm so strong!_

"Change it! Changeitchangeit!!!"

"Dammit, I'm trying!" Kakashi screamed pressing the radio buttons. "It's not working!"

"What's wrong?" Sakura asked.

"It's Gai le Guy!" everyone else cried.

Lee arose, like a vampire from his coffin, and glared at his family, "Change it, and die."

Kakashi slowly retreated from the radio and everyone else shrunk under bushy brows' glare.

"Kill me," Neji and Gaara muttered.

"Shoot me," Ten-Ten and Shino said.

Hinata sighed, "Oi vey."

After a few more hours, they finally arrived at Schitterbahn! (Of course, it was like 11pm so they had go in search of a motel.)


	5. Chapter 5

***One thing I never mentioned, and it comes to be important in this chapter, Sakura inherited her boobs from Tsunade***

**---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**Next Morning… (Remember that while it may be morning where Sakura's at, the time difference makes it like three hours later where Ino is):**

**"**Schitterbahn!" Sai cried running towards the park entrance. "Uff-" he was stopped by the doggie shaped leash his mother had placed around his waist.

"We have to pay admition first, Sai," his mother smiled. "Kakashi, hurry up and pay the damn entrance ticket so my Sai-dumpling can go in already!"

Kakashi muttered something inaudible to his wife- Gaara giggled (he _had_ heard what Kakashi said).

The Hatake family swarmed into the water park and before their stuff was even set up, the children were already running into the pools and slides. Kakashi sat on a beach chair he'd found, put on a straw hat (and yes, he was STILL wearing the mask after more than a week with it) and pulled out his bright orange book. The children older scattered, and Shizune went with Sai to the water slide, leaving Kiba in Kakashi's care. Then she seemed to think better of it and came back for the baby, taking him, and leaving him, in Sakura's care. "I'll be right back after I go on the slide with Sai!"

Sai returned, soaking wet, and crossed his arms over his chest, staring at his father. "Helloooo, I already went in the slide- let's go home."

Mr. Hatake's eye twitched, "What?"

"I wanna go home."

"You mean to tell me that you made me drive seven goddamn hours just so you could ride in that fucking slide ONCE!

"Yes…"

"You turn your pasty little ass around and get on that mother-fucking slide until this goddamn park closes!"

"Kakashi?" Shizune whimpered. Her husband glared at her, grabbed his book, and stormed away.

"But what if I have to go potty, mama?"

"Just use the pool like I did," Gaara smiled, sighing contently.

Suddenly Sakura and Ten-Ten screamed, and jumped out of the water.

***

Tsunade strutted down the stairs in a tight black dress, followed by Jiraiya in a tux. "Bye," they called out.

"Wait!" Ino ran after them. "Where are you two going?"

"Out. Bye."

"Where?"

"If you must know- we're leaving for our third honeymoon."

"What?! How long am I going to be alone with _it!_" the girl pointed to Naruto.

"Chill out, Ino," Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "It's only for two days. Anyway, behave. Itachi'll babysit," he pointed to the Uchiha who had just arrived to drop off his brother before heading out with his friends (the camera zoomed into the black sports car crammed with strangely dressed teenagers. "What?" Itachi asked, looking at Jiraiya.

"Great!" Tsunade pulled fifty bucks from her cleavage and handed them to Itachi. "Thanks, Uchiha!" The adults slammed the door behind themselves and drove off.

"Yay, a baby brother!" Naruto cheered.

Ino looked at him, coking her head, "What?"

"Sakura told me that on their last honeymoon they came back with me," he smiled. "Wooh! Come on Sasuke, bring Bob Uzumaki Uchiha Sannin the Third with you." The two boys ran into the living room and turned on the TV.

"Dude!" Kisame called from the car, "Hurry the hell up!"

"Uh… guys, I'm stuck here."

The blue haired guy sighed and got out of the car, followed by the others: a creepy looking red head with violet eyes-

_**Ino's Video Diary**__: That is so weird; he kinda looks like Gaara, but less raccoon-ish…_

-followed by a tall girl with long blond hair that fell across half her face, a weird guy with pointy dark hair and an orange mask hanging from his neck like a collar, and finally a boy with a large plant tattoo across the side of his face and spiky green hair.

"What is the deal now?" Kisame asked Itachi who answered: "Apparently, I'm stuck taking care of these three."

"Crap, I wanted to go to the movies… Shit! Where the hell did that fifty come from?! Guys, movies on Itachi!"

"Movies?! Yay!" Naruto and Sasuke squealed.

"Hell no!" Itachi said, "It's my money!"

Sasuke grinned impishly, holding up a set of car keys and dangling them in front of his older brother.

"Where the hell did you get my car keys from?!" He tried to take them from Sasuke but the kid dodged him.

"Movies or car, Onii sama."

"Damn you shrimp…" Itachi growled.

_**Itachi's Video Diary:**_ "I had to pick the car. I mean, that imp has already key-scratched my car… TWICE!"

***

Sakura sunbathed by the edge of the pool. She sat up and sighed, "I miss Itachi…"

"Who?" Lee asked.

"My boyfriend." She took her bag and pulled out from her wallet a small picture of her and Itachi sitting by the water- his hand was awfully close to her boobs.

"Damn!" Ten-Ten sat up, "You tap that?!"

"Not yet…"

"Oh my God! PORN!!!" Gaara ripped the picture from Sakura's hands and frowned, "Awww, that's not real porn… just you and some dude being slightly naughty in the sand… it's not even real sandbox sand, it's just crappy beach sand… Say… how old is he?"

"Sixteen…"

"Oh my God! You're a victim of pedophilia!"

Suddenly everyone around them stopped at stared at them. Sakura laughed nervously, "Nothing to see here folks, move along. The sun makes Gaara say stupid things- ugly, ugly LIES!" Most of the onlookers shrugged and walked away. Neji, however came to stand next to Gaara and stared at Sakura, "So he got to you too? Did Orochimaru at least give you candy?"

"What?! NO! We're just talking about my boyfriend!" She showed Neji the picture, and he asked, "How _old_ is he?" "Sixteen." Gaara and Neji looked at each other, then back to Sakura, "He's a pedophile."

"Who's a pedophile, Gaara-kun?" They turned to see a young blond with bushy ponytails with a tight lilac bikini, and boobs that rivaled Sakura's. Next to her stood a bored looking man with a brown ponytail.

Gaara's eye twitched as his eyes fell on Temari's cleavage. He looked away, "Temari, cover those things up! There are children here! You and your ginormous boobs are embarrassing me and everyone around us!"

"Chill out baby brother. Am I embarrassing anyone?"

Neji, staring straight into the woman's boobs shook her head, "Nope."

"See, Gaara-kun." As she laughed, her breasts jiggled and her brother groaned, covering his eyes. "God Shikamaru, cover your woman up!"

"Nope."

"I- I- I gotta go somewhere," Neji turned around and walked away.

"Gaara and Ten-Ten twitched, Sakura snickered, and Temari laughed. Shikamaru put his arm around her, "You still got it, babe." "Hell, yeah!" she smiled.

***

Itachi, Kisame, their gang, and the three other children stood in front of the movie theater. "How the hell did we all fit into my car?" Uchiha asked. Kisame simply said, "Dude, just don't question it." and walked away.

They entered the cinema and Itachi turned to the crowd he'd somehow managed to squeeze into his small corolla. "Well gang-"

"Damn it Sasori stop jittering every time someone says the word gang!" Deidara smacked the red head. "People might think we really are a gang of ner-do-wells if you keep being so damn shifty!"

"But we are…" Sasori whined.

The blond woman smacked him again, "I said shut up."

"Yes honey…"

"Anyway…" Itachi continued, "So we're watching Maniac Mayhem Slaughter III: Christie's Revenge?"

"Super-Ninja-Pokémon-Battle for Eternity-_Six_!!!" Naruto and Sasuke squealed, pointing at a movie poster.

"Damn it, there's another one?!" Ino cried, "How many goddamn Pokémon movies are there? Hell, how many Pokémon are there?"

"Duh," Naruto stuck out his tongue at her, "Everybody knows there's only twenty two thousand, three hundred and ninety-eight Pokémon since the show first came to America back in like 1999."

"We are NOT watching Pokémon!" Itachi, Kisame, Deidara, and Ino ganged up on the seven year old.

Sasuke flashed his wicked little smile, making his older brother twitch, as he pulled from his pocket Itachi's car keys.

"What the-? Where the heck did you take my keys from again?!"

"We want Pokémon!" Sasuke demanded. "If you don't let us watch Pokémon, I'll tell mom about the time you and Sakura-chan locked yourself in your room when you were supposed to be watching us! I don't know what you did… but since you told us not to tell mom then I'll tell mom! Ha!"

"I'll watch the movie with them…" Toby muttered, "I like Pokémon…"

"Toby… you couldn't say that before we formed a scene?" Itachi waved his finger disapprovingly, "Look around us mask boy: everyone is staring."

"Yeah, cause you're rowing with a seven year old. If ya'll would've let me speak from the beginning, not only would you'd all saved yourselves the trouble of squabbling like monkeys, but you 'big kids' wouldn't have already missed the first five minutes of your movie."

The rest of them saw he was right, Itachi handed Toby money for Naruto and Sasuke's tickets, and they scrambled to buy their own.

"Yay, Pokémon!" both boys giggled, as they followed Toby.


	6. Chapter 6

**Setting:**

A lovely three bedroom, two bathroom apartment, made for four (maybe five) people to live comfortably in. It had a master room, occupied by the couple that lived there, a room that had been transformed into a library/study, and another room which had been converted into a small gym/dance room. The apartment was simple, neat and tidy. It had always been more than roomy for the couple, and quiet and peaceful… Sadly, that would not be the case this weekend… For the next three days, the little abode, rather than two…or even its suggested maximum: four (maybe five), would instead house… thirteen people… Yeah, that must've been nice.

The Hatake family burst in through the door of Temari and Shikamaru's apartment, and suddenly the former two deeply regretted having agreed to give them a place to crash… It should be mentioned that upon the very first day the family had arrived in Schitterbahn (and their motel) they'd been kicked out of said motel, and threatened by the county police with the charge of arson- What had actually happened was that…

_**Flashback: **__Gaara and Neji sit together outside the room- bored. Lee opens the door and steps out with the empty ice bucket_ in his hands. _Neji trips him. Lee runs off. When he returns (ice bucket full), Gaara trips him and Lee crashes against the door; he swears a vendetta. Neji and Gaara shove ice down Lee's pants and run off. That night, Lee's vendetta is fulfilled. First, he flushes Neji's contacts down the toilet, then, with small lighter, he, very carefully, burns Gaara's eyebrows out of existence. The red head wakes up just as Lee finishes his labor, and screams, teary-eyed as he realizes what's just happened… Soon there's a small fire in the room, everyone's scampering outside, the fire department arrives and the manager kicks the family out. Now Neji is forced to wear thick, Harry Potter glasses and Gaara is eyebrow-less. Oh, and Lee is still waddling, rather than walking, due to the two atomic wedgies he received (one right after the other)._

"Baby Bro…" Temari asked, "What the hell happened to your eyebrows?"

Curious, Shikamaru looked over her shoulder, and at seeing his brother in law, burst out laughing.

Gaara screamed, waving his arms. "Don't laugh you meanie! Temari, give me a Sharpie- I'm drawing them on till they grow back."

"Oh stop fussing so much Gare- bear," Temari crooned, "They grew back pretty quickly when Kankuro burnt them off last year, didn't they? And also when you tried to help mom on Thanksgiving… and when you were five and found out how pretty fire looked… and at band camp… Come to think of it, half your life you've been without eyebrows…"

"Oh my God, he's looked like this before?" Shikamaru laughed, "Why didn't you send me a picture of that?"

Gaara screamed and ran out of the room, "You are so MEAN!"

***

Toby, Naruto, and Sasuke sat in a dark theater room, hypnotized by the Pokémon movie… along with a hundred more children…

***

Meanwhile, everyone else was screaming their lungs out in what had been rated the goriest, bloodiest movie of the year (except for Sasori and Deidara who were just making out).

Ino looked at Itachi next to her.

_**Ino's Video Diary:**__ Okay- if he is gay, then just what the heck was all that about him and Naruto's sister locked up in a room? I swear, if there is even the slightest glint of him being straight, I'm jumping in! I will have him! Mwahahaha- _cough* cough*_ Bah… I guess I shouldn't laugh manically so much… bad for me… _

Ino took Itachi's hand, making him jerk away, almost as if he'd been burned.

She scowled ad looked back at the movie screen. After another five minutes, the blond put her hand on his knee. Itachi yelped and recoiled, nearly jumping on top of Kisame who was sitting next to him. Kisame pushed Itachi away and crossed his arms grumpily. Itachi pulled his knees up onto the seat, sitting fetal position style, launching frantic glances in the crazy blonde's direction.

Ino was simmering inside. Then she attacked: Ino pounced on Itachi like a cat on a mouse. Itachi screamed, his voice several octaves higher than normal, pushed her off and ran into the theater aisle. "Kisame!" he hissed, "Come here!"

"But I'm watching the movie."

"Come here!"

"Shhh!" somebody called.

"Kisame!"

"I'm coming already!" he stood up and marched out of the room, dragging Itachi into the bathroom. "Dude, what the hell is the deal in the-"

"She is gonna rape me!" Itachi shrieked, flapping his arms and running wildly around the bathroom. "She knows I'm not gay and now she is gonna rape me!"

Kisame stopped Itachi, "Don't make me slap you!"

"Eep!" Itachi clamped his mouth shut. Then he grabbed Kisame's shoulders and shook him, "Save me!!!!!"

"I'm goooooogoooooing to throw up if-if you don't stop sh-shaking me!!! Thank you." He bitch-slapped Itachi. "Now, stop whining… Just tell her you're a pedophile- that should be enough to turn off anyone."

"What?! I am not a pedophile!"

"Dude you're dating a freaking seventh grader! You are a sophomore. In other words you are a _pe_-_do_-_phile_. Mmm… Though Ino's the same age as Sakura so I'm not sure it might work…"

"I am not a pedophile Kisame!"

"Pedophile- pedophile- pedophile!" Kisame ranted, waving his arms around.

Itachi chased Kisame around the bathroom, with teary eyes, crying out: "I am not! I am NOT! NOT! NOT!"

The bathroom door opened. An olive skinned man with a pale scar that ran over his nose- Naruto and Sakura's neighbor, Iruka- walked in; the teenagers stopped dead; all three stared at each other, then the man walked out.

"Wow, Mr. Pedophile, you just scared someone away with you pedophileness…"

"Stop saying I'm a pedophile!"

Again their chase began. The bathroom door swung open again, and  
Itachi crashed into it. "Uh… Sorry Itachi…" Iruka said, looking down at the sixteen year old, "I just wanted to ask you if you'd seen anything strange around my house lately… Cause I noticed that several eggs have been stolen from my coops."

Itachi shook his head.

"Okay, well, I'll leave you and your friend to your business… Erm… Bye." He disappeared.

"Eggs?" Kisame asked, looking down at Itachi.

"Mr. Iruka has little chicken farm…"

"Didn't the twerps have an egg with a smiley face on it… their 'baby'?"

"Their seven, how the hell do you propose they stole eggs… besides, I think their egg comes from Fridgetopia… that's what Sasuke was blabbering about at home."

"What?"

"He claims that the egg is actually a baby spy/refugee from the far away land of Fridgetopia… or some shit like that… Crap my nose hurts. Is it bleeding?"

"Unless you get off of the floor, we'll never know…"

Itachi jumped up, and Kisame shook his head, "Looks like pedophiles don't bleed."

"I AM NOT A-!" The door swung open again, slamming into Itachi's face, and knocking him on the floor- again.

"What's taking you guys so long?" Ino asked. "You're missing the whole movie- Where Itachi-kun?"

Kisame pointed behind the door and Ino 'eeped' as she looked down at him. The girl rushed to Itachi's side, ignoring the fact that she was in the men's bathroom, and bent over him.

"Mommy…?" Itachi muttered stupidly. Then he realized who she really was and jumped up with a scream. "Let's go back to the movie!" He rushed out of the bathroom.

Back in the dark room, Itachi nearly fainted: Ino had jumped through the crowd and taken the middle seat- placing herself between him and Kisame.

"Crap…" he squeaked.

***

"There." Sakura stepped back, and put the lid back on her red eyeliner. "At least now, from afar, people won't _immediately_ notice."

Gaara pouted, rubbing his hand against the makeup, "I miss my eyebrows."

"I miss my contacts…" Neji muttered from the corner.

"Well, I miss my man, but you don't see me whining do you?"

"You're moping around with that semi-porno picture half the day." Neji snapped.

"It is not PORN!" Sakura snarled.

Lee walked in at that moment, "What's porn?" He was wearing a bright yellow t-shirt with a picture of SpongeBob on it, and in his hands, a Gai le Guy plushy that wore a matching shirt.

Gaara glared, pulling out his lighter. "Come any closer Sponge-boy and I'll light a fire up your and that Guy le _Gay_ plush bag's asses."

"Psycho…I just wanted to know what porn was…" Lee pouted. "Fine! I'll ask mom- she'll tell me."

The three teenagers looked at each other and jumped on Lee. Before he could say anything, they dragged Lee inside and the door slammed shut. Then there was silence… Mwahahahaha!!!!!

***

A few hours later, as Kakashi strolled by the hallway, orange book in hand, a bedroom door opened and a pale, twitching, Lee stepped out. Three older kids peered after him.

"What's wrong… son?" Kakashi asked, looking away from his book.

Lee looked at the orange cover, glared at his father, "You disgust me," and walked away, twitching.

Gaara and Neji burst out laughing. Kakashi looked at them, puzzled. Sakura went: "Eep!" then pulled the two boys inside, and slammed the door.

Kakashi shrugged casually, reopened his book, and went off on his way.

***

Ino was sitting on the sofa watching TV. Naruto was flopped on the floor. Sasuke entered the room, skipping with Bob Uzumaki Uchiha Sannin the third, and sat next to Naruto.

Two giggling voices floated into the room and soon Jiraiya and Tsunade entered the room, one running after the other. The stopped dead, staring at the children, and the children stared back.

"Crap, they're here." Jiraiya muttered.

"Mom, you people failed me," Naruto whined.

"How exactly?" Tsunade asked.

"You guys went away and came back baby-less… I DEMAND a little brother! Sakura said that the last time ya'll left for a while, you guys brought me, but when you left this time you came back empty handed."

Tsunade rolled her eyes. Jiraiya burst out laughing, "Do you want us to try to get you one."

"Yes!" the boy purred.

"Then," he walked over to the door and opened it. "Get out. Ino take the brat- I mean kids to the park while we… work…"

Naruto jumped out and ran out the door screaming: "LET'S GO!!! EVERYBODY OUT!!!" Sasuke skipped after him, cradling the egg in his tiny hands. Ino shuddered and hurried, shoulders hunched up after them. She put out her hand as she walked out the door, Tsunade handed her a Twenty and the adults turned to the camera crew.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Tsunade glared, "Get out!"

The camera man went, "But… but…"

Jiraiya: "Yes I know I'm irresistible and super hot-"

Tsunade laugh-snorted.

"-but I did not sign up to be a porn star- that's immoral. I just signed up to ship my kid across the country."

The camera crew walks out of the house and the couple slammed the door behind them. Inside:

Tsunade- "You know I'm not popping another kid at my age. What if came out like Naruto too?"

Jiraiya- "I know. I said we'd _try._"

"You know it's not gonna work… and I don't want it to work."

"It doesn't have to work… But that doesn't mean we can't have fun 'trying'". They giggled naughtily and ran upstairs.

***

Ino sat on the park bench, bored to tears. Somewhere far away, like two little idiotic specks, she could see Naruto and Sasuke were prancing around with the egg in their hands. She groaned and slumped on the bench…

**Ino's Video Diary**: _And there aren't any cute guys around here! Where the hell is Itachi in bike shorts when you need him?_

Looking back at the brats, as she thought of them, Ino saw a short, square girl with frizzy blond hair pulled back into a ponytail and a bright red shirt. The square girl stopped before the seven year olds, grabbed Sasuke, yanked the egg from his tiny, white hands, and pushed him on his butt, as she laughed. Naruto started jumping and waving his arms frantically. The girl kicked his stomach, and the little blond boy fell down on top of Sasuke. While the boys cried, the frizzy girl laughed.

**Ino's Video Diary: **_Crap… The twerps have a bully… I guess I should go help out, cause if I don't Tsunade's gonna beat the shit out of me…_

She marched drearily towards the three children. The bratty girl was laughing and pointing at the teary eyed boys. "I'm gonna eat this stupid egg for lunch- Ha-ha-ha!"

"Hey! Leave those kids alone you little creep." Ino snapped at the bully. The other girl turned to Ino, her eyes blazing. She kind of looked like a ten year old, blond, little pig, with freckles; she wore a gigantic red t-shirt that fell to her knees, with the letters S.P.A. printed on the front and a huge black cross at the background. She crushed the egg with her hand and it exploded, splattering on her hand, the floor, and part of her shirt. "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO YOU STUPID BARBIE DOLL!" the little brat shrieked at Ino. "YOU RUINED MY 'SANGRE-PAN-ANGELES'BAND SHIRT!!!"

Meanwhile Naruto and Sasuke were bawling on the floor as they stared at the gooey remains of their 'child'. Sasuke was a wreck, and Naruto, though just as teary, had to rock him and pat his back just to stop the hysterics.

"You ruined it yourself you little bitch!" Ino yelled, "Besides, you deserve it for picking on my brothers! Pick on someone your own size you horrible little troll!"

"Maybe I will!" The girl, with her egg covered hand, reached out for Ino's hair, and yanked at it- then a long strand snapped off.

Ino's eyes blazed with fire and violence as she screamed: "MY WEAVE!!!!! HOW DARE YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY WEAVES?! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO PUT THOSE ON WITHOUT HELP!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!"

The bully girl gawked at the thirteen year old, threw the hair extensions on the ground and ran off crying and calling out names at the same time.

Breathing hard, Ino picked the ruined hair extensions from the floor. Then she stared at them longingly and held them close to her heart muttering: "Don't worry, mama will get you all cleaned up and back in her hair where you pretties belong."

The blond shuddered for a moment, and, after wiping as much egg yolk as she could from the hair, tucked into her purse. "Well, you two, I've had enough of this park, let's- Why are you staring at me?!" Indeed the boys were staring up at her adoringly.

"You called us your brothers," they crooned.

"That was just a spur of the moment!" Ino snapped, feeling awkward at the twerps' adoring stares, "Ah! Why don't you stop staring at me?"

"You defeated Avril Anderson," Sasuke added, "She is the meanest, angriest, must vicious evilest bully there ever was!"

"Um… No big deal, I mean, she's what, like ten? Besides she's not that big when compared to me."

"She's actually fifteen." The boys added.

"But she's so short."

"Hello," Naruto rolled his eyes, "EVIL!"

"Whatever… why was a fifteen year old picking on you two anyway? What's got her so pissed?"

"She hates us." Sasuke stated, "Well she hates Itachi, and because I'm he's brother me, and because Naruto's my friend, him too."

"Why does she hate your brother?" Ino asked.

"She used to be his best friend before Kisame came. Then she was his girl- friend, but then Itachi stopped playing with her because he liked to play with Sakura better. And now Avril is always angry and mean and witchy-"

"Sasuke!" Naruto gasped. "Don't say 'witchy', that's a bad word!"

"Sorry- I meant _bitchy_- that's not a bad word right Naruto-kun?"

"Nope. Teacher told me that a bitch is a girl dog and that it was used to describe mean girls because they bite and are angry and mean, like an angry girl dog."

_Dear God… Ino thought._

"Whatever," the boy's shrugged, and returned to stare at Ino. "Our hero."

"Let's just go back to the house!"

"Wait!" Naruto jumped, "Do you think mom and dad are done getting my baby brother or sister?"

"No…" said Ino.

"Then we can't go back yet!"

"Then just what are we supposed to do? I'm not chancing another run-in with that little bit- bully."

"We could go to my house…" Sasuke shrugged.

"Will your brother be there?"

"Yes…"

"LET'S GO!" She grabbed their arms and raced off.

***

Itachi's car gleamed as he dried the last bumper spot. He smiled staring at his clean car, and threw the wet rag over his shoulder. "Well gang-"

Sasori yelped.

Itachi slapped him. "Get a hold of yourself, man! Stop yelping every fucking time someone says gang- Dude we are NOT a gang!"

Deidra slapped Itachi.

"What was that for?!"

"That's for slapping my bitch," the woman scolded, and then turned and slapped her boyfriend.

"What was that for baby?!"

"For being an idiot!"

Sasori suddenly smiled. "I love you when you're angry and violent."

"No…" Itachi whispered a warning.

Deidra purred, "So do I."

"No." Itachi warned again.

"LET'S DO IT!" the blond and red head shouted, Deidra jumping into her man's arms.

"I said no!" Itachi sprayed them with the hose, "Bad horny bastards! I just cleaned my car- Get off the hood!" He sprayed them again. "I said out!"

Deidra hissed at Itachi, gave Sasori a meaningful look, and both of them ran towards the side of the house, jumped the fence, and disappeared into the backyard.

"HEY YOU TWO! Get the fuck outta my freaking backyard! Damn it, I'm gonna have to clean the terrace now!"

Kisame snickered and Itachi sprayed him, "You are helping me clean up after them, mister!"

"Why?!"

"ITACHI!" Mr. Uchiha's voice rang through the air as he ran out the yard's entrance. The tall man stopped in front of his son, "Go out there right now and _disinfect_ the terrace! God have mercy! I need a drink after that- I expect those two… ugh, to be gone when I come back." Then he rushed to his shiny red car and hopped in. "Oh, Itachi, I'd hurry up if I were you in case your mom-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAA! ITACHI!!!!!"

"Too late," the teenager slumped. "I'm coming, I'm coming…"

As Itachi turned to enter his house, and his father's car drove off, Sasuke's gleeful cry rang: "Bye daddy!" Then the two boys ran towards Itachi and Kisame, gave a quick hello, and ran inside prattling something concerning eggs, Iruka's chickens, and how hard it would be to climb over the fence… again... without ripping another pair of pants.

"Dude, your brother is a little thief," Kisame muttered, holding back the urge to laugh. "Crime does run in your family: you're a pedophile and your brother a thief, what's next?"

Itachi sprayed Kisame in the face with an evil giggle, then shrieked as he spotted Ino. Suddenly, looking down at himself- he was shirtless- the Uchiha felt naked and with another shriek ran to cower behind Kisame.

"Hello Ino," Kisame grinned, "Lovely day ain't it? Mmmm… I suddenly feel the urge to go into a pool and bite someone… I wonder if that's how sharks feel… Don't you think it'd be cool to be a shark? I do, and to have gills… I wonder if I could get that done, after all... forget it. Itachi, come out, the thirteen year old's not gonna bite you- or do you have the urge to bite someone too, Ino?"

"No thank you." She zoomed in on Itachi, "You little liar."

"What?" the popped out from behind his friend.

"You're straight. You lied to me-"

"What?! I'm as gay as they get!"

"Oh please, Sasuke told me all about your Canadian ex."

"I'll kill him," Itachi whispered.

"Excuse me?" Ino asked. "So he was telling the truth?!"

"No- I'm gay and happily in love with… Kisame!"

"Prove it," the blond smirked. "I've been here for almost two weeks, I'm leaving tomorrow and I've yet to see you two kiss. Either you plant one on your 'boyfriend', or I plant one on you."

Itachi's eyes widened and he stared at Kisame. They'd know each other long enough to understand each other without having to talk and Kisame's message was anything but happy: _Kiss me and I swear I will kill you, Itachi. _

_But- but- but- She'll kiss me! _Itachi squeaked telepathically.

_I'll kill you!_

_Please! _

_I'LL KILL YOU!!!!_

Itachi stared at Ino then back at Kisame then back at Ino, closed his eyes and planted a swift kiss on Kisame's cheek. "There, I kissed him."

Kisame's eye twitched.

Ino burst out laughing. "You call _that_ a kiss?! I kiss my grandmother that way! No, I want to see you two K-I-S-S. A lover's kiss! In fact, I wanna see tongue!"

Both boys stared at her and each other horrified. Kisame's mental screams reached Itachi: _I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, MAN! I'LL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP- NO; I'LL MURDER YOU RIGHT NOW!!!_

_Kisame! Help me! You're supposed to be my friend! My buddy!_

_NOT YOUR FUCK-BUDDY! I'M NOT MAKING OUT WITH YOU JUST CAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING SCARED OF A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD!_

_I'll do your homework for the rest of the year! I'll give you my lunch money for the rest of the year!_

_I'LL KILL YOU MAN!_

"I'm waiting," Ino sang, pulling out her lip-gloss.

Then Itachi did it. Kisame froze, horrified at what was happening. Ino's eye twitched. "Ewwww!!!! No more!!!" She ran inside screaming, knocking Deidra and Sasori down as she ran. Kisame punched Itachi and wiped his mouth. "You are doing my homework until the end of SENIOR year!" Then the blue haired boy ripped the hose from his friend's hands and drowned his mouth with water.


	7. Chapter 7

The kids' excited shrieks as their home came into view woke Sakura up from her sardine tight nap. The pink haired girl grunted, pushing Neji away and wriggling from underneath Sai's bony little butt. Just as she managed to gain conscious recognition of where they were, she screamed: Gaara had leapt out the window.

"I was wandering how long he'd hold out," Neji laughed. "I actually expected the boob to jump out as soon as we came in sight of the street."

"What?" Sakura asked, and the Goth boy pointed out the window. Gaara had run up to the Hatake household, but rather than wait for the others to arrive and open, he jumped through the side fence into the backyard and disappeared.

"Now he'll jump over the fence, dash across the neighbor's yard, flee for his life from Orochimaru, jump into his backyard and dive idiotically into the red sandbox in his yard."

"At least we fit better in the car now," Sai smiled, "We should've throw that raccoon out the window ages ago."

***

Ino jumped on top of her suitcase in a futile attempt to clamp it shut. "These are the times where Neji and Gaara make their selves useful… Jiraiya!"

The man peeked through the door, "Yes?"

"You're fat. Sit on my suitcase so that it'll close."

"I am not fat! I am a powerfully built, robust man with great musculature."

"All flab, no abs… Now sit on my suitcase."

***

"As a special treat for Sakura-chan's last night with us, I made my special dumpling casserole with every sort of meat imaginable and cheese," Shizune smiled, placing a gigantic bowl of cheese covered casserole in front of them. Sakura laughed nervously as she stared at the questionable looking dish.

_It _**is**_ my last day here… and Shizune means well…_

"Shizune, are you trying to kill the child?" Kakashi asked dully.

"I am offended! My casserole is delicious- everyone loves it!"

*Quiet murmurs*

"Well," Gaara said, "If no one's gonna eat it- I will."

"Damn it, where'd you come from?" Lee snapped. "I thought I'd locked all the windows as well as the back door!"

"Front door, bushy brows," the red head grinned. "Now, bring on the meat and cheese!" However, just before he could scoop the 'casserole', Akamaru bounded onto the table, Chouji clinging to his back, and both cat and dog dived into the cheesy meat, splashing everyone around them.

Kakashi stood, dripping cheese, and picked up the phone, "Pizza it is."

***

Ino finally came down the stairs. She'd been surprised, as she dressed, to find that, despite being thrilled at finally heading over to see her family, part of her felt sort of sad about leaving the Sannin's behind. Sure the past two weeks had been… difficult, tedious at times, insane almost always, but also fun.

Jiraiya and Tsunade stood at the foot of the stairs waiting for her. Sasuke and Naruto stepped out of the kitchen, as soon as they saw Ino they hid whatever they were holding behind their backs.

"Well kid," Tsunade smiled, "The limo's here. I've gotta say you are one strong gal for looking like such a toothpick."

"What?" the girl asked, confused.

"You survived two weeks with us," Jiraiya grinned.

"We wanted to show you something before you left," Naruto appeared next to Ino. He looked at Sasuke and the black haired boy pulled from behind him a macaroni and Popsicle stick picture frame: in it a picture of both boys holding a smiley faced egg, which rested on…

"Is that my bra?!"

"Yep," the boys smiled. "It had looked so small at first, but then it turned out to make an excellent crib for Bob Uzumaki Uchiha Sannin the Fourth.

"Am I to assume I'm not getting it back?"

"We'll mail it to you after Bob hatches," Sasuke explained as he and Naruto walked alongside Ino towards the limo. Behind them, Jiraiya had been forced to carry the girl's luggage, and it looked like it hurt. They children handed Ino the picture, she took it, placed it inside the car, and hugged them. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'll miss you two- I mean, three," she added with a giggle, pointing at the egg in Naruto's hands.

Then she was in the car and waving goodbye as it drove off.

"Ah!" Naruto slapped his forehead, "We forgot to give her gum back!"

"What?" Tsunade bent over, peering down at her son.

The seven year old ran into the house and after a few moments returned carrying a soccer ball sized ball of gum… used gum.

"Ew Naruto, what the hell is that?!" Tsunade recoiled.

"Ino's gum…" the boy replied sheepishly. "She chews a lot of gum, and she always ended up sticking it somewhere, so after she'd leave, me and Sasuke would un-stick 'em and we put 'em all together cause we were gonna give 'em to her as another goodbye present… but we forgot…"

"We could mail it…" Jiraiya said.

***

A wave of hugs nearly drowned Sakura as she stood on the doorway. Even Sai was there, showing, to Sakura's intense amazement what looked like sadness at her departure! When she finally managed to resurface, and after gasping for oxygen, she smiled at them. "I'll miss you guys. Ten-Ten I gave you my email so we can keep in touch. Oh, one more hug won't kill me." And there was another avalanche of kids on top of her.

"The car's here," Lee peeked out the window. "Dang! I'm gonna swap places with someone if it means I'll get to ride a limo!"

"Don't tempt us Lee," Kakashi said, "Or we just might move while you're gone."

"Aaaahh!!! I'm gonna miss you so much!" Gaara nearly knocked Sakura down when he rushed to hug her; he nearly squashed her in the act. "Cant… breathe… Thank you for releasing me… Aw, Gaara, I didn't know you cared that much."

"I'm not taking to you Sakura… though I'll miss you too."

"Then who…?"

"Your ginormous boobs." He whispered: "Look around, there's not much to see around here, so your mega boobs were a sight for sore eyes."

Ten-Ten punched his head. "Idiot."

"But your sister had bigger boobs that me."

He shuddered, "She should join a convent! And wear those super conservative Arab clothing!"

"No she shouldn't!" Neji snapped red in the face. Then he turned around and snuck into his room.

"Anyway…" Gaara continued, "I got you a present."

"Who? My boobs?"

"No, I couldn't find something that would fit Bonnie and Clyde, so I had to settle for getting _you_ something." He pulled out from his pocket a little box with a pink bow.

"Aww, what is it?" She opened it to find a little keychain connected to a tiny bottle filled with sand and what looked like a diminutive beach ball and a flip-flop.

"The sand comes from my sandbox, because sandbox sand is so much cooler than crappy beach sand."

Sakura hugged him, waved goodbye to the rest of the family, got in the car, and left.

**The Meeting:**

sSakura Sannin and Ino Hatake sat across from each other in a weird, rustic- antique looking room. They introduced one another and Sakura gestured to Ino that she might go first.

"Well, your family is insane," the blond began, "Your mom can be scary as hell; your dad's a perv and your little brother… I think he's got mental issues… still I can't say I didn't have fun with them. So what'd you think of my family, Sakura?"

"Shizune seemed very nice, a little stuffy and over mothering, but still very nice… Um, your dad's been wearing a weird mask thing for the past two weeks…"

"Yeah, he was wearing that since before I left. What about the brats? Did Sai cause much havoc?"

Sakura sighed. "That child… is the spawn of the devil. He made us drive seven hours-"

"To go to Schitterbahn? He does that often. Dad once threatened that one of these days he'd just dump Sai at the park's entrance and drive off… Though he said the same about Lee… and me and Neji… He never complains about Shino or Hinata… Of course, Hina's mute so-"

"Oh no, she isn't. Hinata spoke, rather shouted, a few days after I'd gotten home."

"And I missed it? Crap, what the hell made her speak?"

"My brother."

"But… Naruto was over in Orlando…"

"She saw a picture of him and thought he was hot."

Ino shuddered, "Ew… That may be the third creepiest thing I've ever had to picture in my life… A seven year old checking out someone…"

"What are the other two?"

"The first one involves my parents… let's just leave it at that… The second one, I actually had to witness. Itachi-"

"Oh how is he? I missed him so much!"

"So he's your friend?"

"Boyfriend."

"Um… then he's cheating on you-"

"WHAT?!"

"-with Kisame… I saw them making out… He's gay. Ever since I met him, he made it perfectly clear that he was gay and in love with Kisame. At first I didn't believe him. Then I thought he said it to avoid me… but then they made out in front of me… I'll never be the same person again…"

Sakura's eye twitched.

**Sakura's Video Diary:**_ I'll K-I-L-L him! I'm going to kill him! Hell, I'm killing them both! _

"We'll it was nice meeting you," Ino smiled after they'd talked a while longer. "Same here," Sakura nodded.

"I can't wait to go home and see everyone- even Gaara…"

"Heh, heh, neither can I… Though I might murder someone… Well, bye."

**Back Home**

**Hatake**

The Hatake's received Ino. For the first five minutes everything went perfectly. There were hugs, kisses, and glee.

Then Sai arrived… yanked at Ino's hair and chaos returned.

Kakashi sighed, "Not even ten minutes… that's all I ask for: ten minutes of peace…"

"Alright everyone, calm down," Shizune tried to appease them. "It's just a rough cut, but production gave us a copy of some of Ino's days in Florida. Let's see it. Huh?"

No one seemed interested.

Hinata meekly popped from behind Shino, "M-Mommy… Will Sakura's brother b-be in t-the t-tape?"

"She does speak!" Ino cried.

"I guess," Shizune answered. "Why do you ask?"

The little girl went behind her siblings and started pushing them towards the house. "Move it! We have a tape to watch!"

**Sannin**

"Sakura!" A blond blur sped out of the house, ramming his sister and nearly knocking her down. Tsunade and Jiraiya peered out the front door but before they could step outside, a tall, black haired blur knocked them aside, "Sakura!"

The girl received her brother with a hug and a smile. Then she turned to the tall Uchiha bouncing behind Naruto and punched him.

"That's my girl!" her father whooped from the porch, "Finally! Finally she's going to dump him! I thought the day would never come! But it did! Finally my daughter, the child of my loins, has realized that the Uchiha punk sucks!"

"Since when do you hate Itachi?" Tsunade asked.

"He's sixteen!"

"Uh-huh…?"

"She's thirteen!"

"So…?"

"He's a pedophile!"

Tsunade smacked him. "I'm seven years older than you. What does that make me?"

"A sexy pedophile," he grinned. The woman shrugged and walked outside. "Sakura, I know the boy's acting like an idiot, but he's just happy to see you. Why do you hit him?"

"He cheated on me!"

"WHAT?!" Tsunade and Itachi cried at the same time. Out of nowhere, Tsunade pulled out Naruto's baseball bat. "You cheated on my daughter?!"

"No I didn't! Sakura where the hell did you get that idea from!"

"Ino told me! You cheated on me with Kisame!"

"No I didn't!" He waved his arms frantically.

"You were making out with him!"

"Because if I didn't Ino would rape me!"

"Excuse me…? Back up. Rewind and explain."

"I had to make her think I was gay or else she'd have raped me!"

"Oh, okay." Sakura smiled sweetly. "But if you ever do cheat on me, I'll-" she whispered something in his ear and he jumped back with a yelp, "Where did you come up with something so evil?!"

"A four year old named Sai told me he planned to do that to his brother's best friend."

"But- But you won't do that to me, right. I love you," Itachi gave her the puppy dog eyes.

"Not if you don't cheat on me."

"I'll never cheat on you!"

"Good boy... Kisame?"

"Watching you two's more entertaining than cable," the blue haired boy smiled. He was sitting next to Naruto and Sasuke, eating popcorn.

Itachi stared at his friend. "Where'd you come from? And what's with the popcorn?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah cause you weren't here before… and why do you have a bowl of popcorn?! It's just weird."

"Geez. This is a fanfiction! Anything can happen. For all you know, I could sprout magical fairy butterfly wings and fly off into the sunset. And yet you two are worrying about why I have popcorn."

**Booming Voice from Above (Me) XD: **_**Kisame! How dare you reveal my secret! Now, for telling everyone this is really a fanfiction, you can kiss your shark powers goodbye, for now and forever, mister!"**_

"Ah! I'm sorry!" Kisame cried.

"_**Yeah well too late. Naughty fish boy!"**_

Kisame slumped gloomily on the ground. "This sucks."

"_**Does anyone else have anything to say?"**_

The others shook their heads frantically.

"_**Okay, heh, heh. We'll I guess this is the end. Goodbye! ^.^"**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Surprise! Epilogue (heh-heh-heh)**

**2 years later…**

"Aaaahhh!!!!" Jiraiya chucked the Wii remote violently against the ground, stomping his foot like a child throwing a tantrum. "This game sucks!" he kicked the remote, sending it soaring across the air; it crashed against the wall and one of the batteries flew out, hitting Naruto in the back of his head.

"Damn this goddamn _Harvest Moon_!" the man ranted on. "How the hell am I supposed to catch those stupid festival bugs?! This thing is rigged!"

"Ooh," the nine year olds pointed, shaking their heads, "you're using swear words."

"You're a sore loser pops!" the blond scolded, "An angry, old sore loser who can't accept the fact that two nine year old boys are creaming him in a video game. And the game is NOT rigged- you just suck dad."

"Oh yeah?" the man crossed his arms, "Well then, blondie, you're grounded! Ha! That's right and I'm getting rid of this piece of shit Wii game cause it is so rigged!"

Naruto's eyes watered, "Not my game, dad, please! Can't you just make me sleep outside like that weird Anko lady Iruka's dating does to him when they fight?"

"Nope," Jiraiya shook his head, "I'm going to hit you where it hurts boy, so kiss that stupid game goodbye." Naruto burst out crying. Sasuke patted his friend's back and glared at the tall white haired man. The three and a half foot tall Uchiha walked to Jiraiya, still glaring, and kicked the man's shin. "You mean meanie meaner! You poop head! How dare you make Naruto cry?"

"Fine!" the man stormed out of the room and out into the porch. When he came back he held in his hands what might have been mistaken for a hunting rifle, had it not been painted over with blue and orange, and with a big yellow label that read '_Naruto's B.B. Gun'._ "I won't throw out your game," Jiraiya pouted, walking across the room, opening a window and pointing the gun at the yard where a fluffy, brown chicken ambled stupidly in circles. "Teach me how to win or we're having chicken for dinner, and you two know I'm part redneck so I'll do it!"

The boys screamed, "Don't you dare! Stay away from Bob!" Sasuke narrowed his eyes, "Wait a sec- that's probably not even loaded, old man."

Jiraiya pumped the thing three or four times, aimed at Sasuke's shin and shot. The boy yelped, hoping on his right foot, and cradling his left leg. "Now," the blonde's father resumed pumping the weapon several more times. "It's your choice: teach me how to win or Bob gets it."

"Wait!" Naruto ran up to his father, handing the man his remote control. "See, dad, now you have a hundred points! And I'll take your old character and I'll have zero." "That's better," Jiraiya grinned, chucking the gun out the window and swiping greedily the Wii controller. "No," Sasuke hobbled over, yanking the remote from Jiraiya's hands and replacing it with his own. "Now you have two hundred points." He turned and returned Naruto the other controller, "And you've still got all your points."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Tsunade shook her head as she looked out from the kitchen. "Jiraiya you are shameless, torturing children just because they kicked your ass in a game. What's next?" He seemed to shrink under his wife's glare as she walked into the room, taking Naruto and Sasuke's hands, "Come on, let's get you some ice cream-"

"What about me?!" Mr. Sannin complained.

"You already have your price. Now march upstairs, you old fool, and stay in our room until I tell you otherwise!"

"What the hell? I am the man if the house- Nobody tells me what to do, much less and old…"

Tsunade's eye twitched as she released the children, pushing her sleeves back. "What did you just call me?"

"I'm sorry!" Jiraiya cried running out of the room, and up the stairs. After he was gone, Tsunade smiled, "Now, you two get some ice cream pops from the fridge and go play in the yard with your chicken. My poker game starts in half an hour and I still have a lot to do."

Jiraiya cowered at the top of the stairs, peering over the railing. _I think I _will_ stay in my room after… it'll probably be safest…_" He tip-toed down the hallway, but stopped at reaching his room, and turned around, thinking he'd heard something weird coming from Sakura's room. He neared the door and knocked, "Everything okay in there honey?" A small yelp was his answer before Sakura called nervously, "Yep, everything's fine! Don't come in!"

He raised an eyebrow, "Are you sure cause I thought I heard… something!" he swung the door open and three people shrieked.

"What's going on up there?!" Tsunade called as she marched up the stairs. Jiraiya stomped past her. "Where are you going?"

"To get Naruto's baseball bat."

"Why?"

"I have an Uchiha to kill!"

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_**Author's note: Well this concludes the first installment of Tween Swap XD! Hope ya'll liked it, heh-heh. And yes, a second one is coming so stay tuned to find out! **_

_**. Wait… technically you'll have to change the channel… Flip over to 'Alitza' (my cousin)'s account cause she'll be taking over while I'm away at Spain during most of July. I've already given her some of my ideas and she's going to work them along with some of her own hilarious ideas to create Tween Swap 2! **_

_**PS: She has an idea I'm a bit skeptic about so if you guys could PM her and give her your opinion it would be an enormous help. Q: What would you say if Ino got pregnant? *Whatever you think, depending on the amount of votes on the responses that may or may not happen.***_

_**Anyway, thank you for reading my story- Hope everyone liked it! Arigato and tah-tah for now!**_


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